Leaving
a toxic relationship and a narcissistic relationship is not for the faint of heart. Toxic relationship recovery starts with grit and courage. It’s the most liberating thing when you do. It’s a bold statement showing that you are reclaiming your life and mental well-being. Some days it easy, some days its not so easy. But mostly, you feel better. One of the biggest emotions you will feel is sadness, deep sadness.
In this blog post, I’ll take you through the reason you feel so bad, the pain that comes with leaving and why allowing yourself to cry is not only acceptable but a vital part of healing. There is an actual term for all of this. Post Toxic Relationship Sadness.
Last, I’ll give you an overview on how unhealthy and narcissistic relationships can severely impact your mental health. This is why you gotta leave and break free.
1. Understanding Post-Toxic-Relationship Sadness
When you finally feel superhuman and get the strength to leave a toxic relationship, the emotional toll is massive and the sadness that follows is normal. Please recognise that your feelings are valid. The reason you feel such sadness is:
- Loss of Identity: Being in toxic relationships can strip you of your identity, leaving you feeling like a shell of the person you once were. Without even knowing, you were conforming to your husband or boyfriend. When you leave, you get to be you again and rediscover who you once were. This is a painful process because you start to feel bad for not being true to yourself and, allowing yourself to become a conformist.
- Grief for Lost Time: You will grieve the time and energy invested in the relationship that didn’t serve your well-being. You will feel bad because you think about the time and energy you could have spent elsewhere.
- Fear of Loneliness: The prospect of being alone can be daunting. Even though you’ve left a harmful relationship, the fear of loneliness can amplify your sadness.
For me, I was never a push over. I spoke up when someone spoke to me out of turn and I voiced my opinion when others were rude towards me. Over time I lost my voice, scared to speak if I was upset, for fear of upsetting him. I was so annoyed at myself for the time I spent managing the relationship rather than leaving. My belief was that if I had left sooner, I would have had more abundance, more life experience and more excitement. I didn’t really feel alone until about 18 months after leaving. This was an odd concept for me to wrap my head around. I was in a house full of family and people I loved but it was the company of a man that I missed.
2. The Pain of Healing
Healing after leaving toxic partner and relationship can be painful, but it’s a necessary pain. It’s the ‘medicine taste gross but it’s good for you’ kinda pain. This is where the magic happens. The growth. It comes from anywhere:
- Emotional Scars: An emotional scar is the great pain and sadness you feel when you leave. Coping with these emotional scars take time to heal. Sitting in this pain is emotionally draining.
- Facing Reality: When you exit a toxic and narcissistic relationship, you’re forced to confront reality. This means accepting that the person you once loved was not who you though they were.
I was in so much pain and it was in this pain I achieved so much. I set up my business, I set up my Instagram page, I found a new job, I changed my car, I wrote a poetry book, I wrote 30 days to leave. When you leave there is an eruption inside that finds its way to becoming greatness.
I remember sitting on the floor by the window looking out towards the sky thinking, ‘how did I get here’. I was sobbing but not crying and my sister heard the sniffles. She came into the room and told me to stop holding it in and just cry. Now, I knew it was ok to cry and I had bawled my eyes out many times before then but that was when I was alone and, in the car, where no one could hear me. My sister gave me the green light to cry like a baby in front of her. She knew what she was doing. She wanted me to be over the pain quicker than I was allowing because I was penting it up around her.
My ex was not who I thought he was. When I left I saw his true colours, in fact, I began to see his true colours from about 2 years before I left. It was the day that I left, and the months after, that HE was definitely freed. He did things I never imagined, I didn’t know anyone could do them, let alone someone that said they loved me. He was tyrant.
3. The Healing Power of Tears
Crying is often seen as a sign of weakness, but in reality, it’s a powerful tool for personal healing. Let me explain:
- Emotional Release: Crying allows you to release pent-up emotions. It’s a natural way for your body to purge negative feelings, making room for healing.
- Stress Reduction: Crying literally reduces stress and makes you feel better. You will feel better after a good cry.
- Self Love: Allowing yourself to cry is an act of self-love in recovery. It’s a way of acknowledging your pain and being gentle with yourself during the healing process.
4. The Dangers of Unhealthy and Narcissistic Relationships
There is a danger to staying in narcissistic and unhealthy toxic relationships that is generally not considered. This is the toll it takes on your mental health:
- Manipulation and Gaslighting: The constant manipulation and gaslighting leads to anxiety, depression, chips away at your self-worth, damaging your self-esteem.
- Isolation: Toxic men isolate you from friends and family which will eventually leave you without a support system.
- Stifling Personal Growth: Toxic relationships stifle your personal growth and prevent you from reaching your full potential. Leaving is the first step towards rediscovering yourself and your aspirations.
My manipulation looked like ‘why are you going out again, you went out last week, you’re leaving me’?
The gaslighting was telling me it didn’t happen, when I know it did, but now he has altered my reality, I’m unsure of my truth.
When I wanted to do a level 3 course he told me it was the wrong time. When I wanted to my Masters, he told me it was the wrong time. When I wanted to change my car, he told me it wasn’t necessary. When I wanted to loc my hair, he told me to keep it straight. The list goes on. There was always some reason why I shouldn’t invest in my personal development. In fact, he used to always say ‘don’t change’.
Overcoming manipulation and gas lighting and leaving a toxic relationship is an act of courage and self-respect. It signifies that you value your mental health and well-being above all else. It’s normal to feel sad and experience pain after leaving, but these emotions are part of the healing journey. It’s important to remember that the sadness and pain you experience are temporary and a part of the healing process. Emotional healing through crying is a natural and healthy way to cope with the emotions that arise. In time, you will regain your sense of self, rebuild your life, and find happiness again.
Final Thoughts:
I said all of this to say…Cry. And cry like you mean it. The more you cry, the quicker you heal. The deeper you cry the greater the intensity of the healing. Crying will make you feel better and reduce the worrying feeling you get in these situations..…This blog is a place where I show you what to look out for so that you avoid the pitfalls and live a happy healthy existence…it’s a place where I prove to you that you have all that you need and it’s a place where I prove to you that….you are not alone…you got this and I love you.
Onika Sabrina
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