The narcissist will display a ‘false self’ or ‘false identity’ just for you. This is how they pull you in. It’s how you begin to adore them. The problem here is that the false identity they create is a mirror image of you. If you look closely, you will see that they have simply become a chameleon, adapting to you and your environment.
Let me show you what this can look like so that you can save yourself or a loved one from unnecessary anguish.
My narcissist was one of the most charming people I had come across. He came across as caring and polite, someone I could talk to, and he was very, very charismatic. I didn’t notice many red flags because I was blind sided by his words and charismatic ways. He could sell ice to the Eskimos.
When I met him I was working full time in the construction industry and focused on developing my career. He told me that he was working, with children who had disabilities. He was working, part time with limited hours, with an agency on a temporary contract. For those that don’t know what this means, it means that you get a call each day or week inviting you to work. You can choose to go or you can choose to stay at home. It is usually something people do when they are between jobs or looking for. I’m not aware of many people that find enjoyment in working under a temporary contract as it brings no security, uncertainty, limited benefits and lack of career progression.
I had the impression that he must be doing well if he can afford to work part time. I also had the impression that he must be empathetic to work with people with mental and physical challenges. Here is where I was wrong. He worked part time because he didn’t want to work full time and he was happy with a job that didn’t call him to come into work the next day. Blindsided Once.
I have always enjoyed travelling. In the UK and abroad. I love to pack an over night bag and explore what other places have to offer. He saw how often I went away by myself in the early stages. Florida, New York, Amsterdam, Spain, France, Wales, Cornwall. We went Peterborough for the night together and St Lucia for almost 2 weeks. One of the hardest holidays I have ever experienced. I had the impression that he liked to explore and go out of town. Blindsided twice.
I enjoy baking and cooking. I enjoy preparing food. I like to feed people. He noticed this. He noticed that I spent a lot of time in the kitchen. I am naturally mindful about the way I eat. Its second nature because I love the taste of fruits and the taste of vegetables cooked to perfection. He once prepared a meal for us both in the early stages. Blindsided three times.
I enjoy doing things including listening to music and seeing bands play live on stage. I went to many concerts with friends. He noticed this. We went to see Snoop and Beres Hammond in the early stages. Blindsided four times.
My narcissist was full of brilliant ideas. Ideas about how he would be fantastically rich, buy a mansion in the suburbs and own the latest sports car. He spent vast amounts of time on the phone discussing stuff that sounded important. Blindsided five times.
He spoke about how I was the best of all his girlfriends and that all the others were crazy. Blindsided.
You can see where this is going. There is a pattern here. He worked for while and stopped. Over the years he would work for very short stints, a month or 2. He hated working or anything that looked like work. He said he liked to travel. Over a period of 10 years he came abroad with us once and bitched about it, not wanting to go anywhere too far from the hotel. He prepared food for the family in the last 6 months of the relationship because it ticked a task of the to do list after many years of me asking for help with household activities. We seldom went to events, concerts, comedies or places as a couple. The bright ideas were never followed through. Excitement would ensue for a few weeks then it would be another big idea or get rich quick scheme. I was the girl / woman who tolerated his BS for the longest, so I guess I am now one of the crazy ones because I saw him for who he really was and left.
I said all of this to say…be mindful of the things men do and say. Although actions speak louder than words its important to note that some actions are a performance. If you notice rapid bonding, receive an uncomfortable amount of flattery, lack of depth and claims that he shares your interest, test the water. Does he look like he is actually enjoying the concert, does he want to leave mid performance. Does he look disinterested walking around the art gallery with you. Don’t take things on face value. Pay attention. Read his facial expressions. Read his body language. Recognise when he is uncomfortable. Narcissists leave clues, it’s just that we are so naïve we don’t ever expect to have to deal with one..…This blog is a place where I prove to you that there is life beyond unhealthy relationships and the false pretence…it’s a place where I prove to you that you have all that you need and it’s a place where I prove to you that….you are not alone…you got this and I love you.
Onika Sabrina
