Leaving a narcissistic abusive relationship is a courageous step towards reclaiming your life and regaining control over your future. It’s a journey filled with emotional challenges, but it also marks the beginning of a new chapter where you have the opportunity to rebuild, heal, and thrive. One crucial aspect of this journey is taking control of your finances, and that’s where budgeting comes into play. Lets explore how budgeting works once you have left a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship.
When you’ve been in an abusive relationship, financial abuse often accompanies the emotional and psychological torment. Abusers may control access to money, refuse to pay for basic living necessities, sabotage your career and accumulate debt in your name. All of which will leave you financially vulnerable. My narcissist didn’t keep a job or a steady income and many times refused to pay for gas and electric because he had spent what money he had on takeaways. He also accumulated debt in my name.
As you step away from the toxicity, you have the chance to regain your financial independence and build a secure future for yourself and your children.
Budgeting is not just about managing your money; it’s a tool for empowerment and self-care. It allows you to set financial goals, create a stable foundation, and work towards financial freedom. This journey may seem overwhelming at first, but remember, you’ve already taken the hardest step – leaving the abuser. Now, it’s time to take control of your finances and your life.
I’ll break down the basics of budgeting into manageable steps. Your situation may be unique, and your financial recovery may differ from others, but the principles of budgeting remain the same. I’ll provide you with actionable advice and tips to help you navigate this process effectively so that you can build a stable and secure future for yourself and your children.
Create a Budget Sheet
The foundation of your financial journey begins with a budget sheet. A simple document that outlines your income, expenses, and savings goals. To get started, follow these steps:
List all sources of income, including your salary, side hustle money, child benefit and every other source of income. Don’t be surprised if you cant list money from the narcissist, they generally won’t pay to support the children. Even after court.
Get a piece of paper, back of an envelope, a notebook, something, anything, and list your expenses. Mine include:
Food
Petrol
Canva
Experian
Netflix
Credit Card
Credit Card
Gym for me
Gym for my Daughter
Loan
Loan
Insurance
Accountant
HMRC
Rent
Gas
Electricity
Spotify
Daughter 1 School Money
Daughter 2 School Money
Three
Vodafone
Nails
Daughter Gymnastics
Daughter 1 Ice Skating
Daughter 2 Ice Skating
HMRC
Solicitor
I also look ahead at least 2 years. In fact, my spreadsheet looks ahead 5 years, which also includes:
Car Tax
Car Insurance
Car MOT
Microsoft Subscription
Birthday 1
Birthday 2
Christmas
Disney
Amazon
School Bus Pass
Website Hosting
School Uniform
School Holiday Club
Savings
Creating a budget sheet, on paper or in excel, provides clarity and helps you understand where your money is going.
How to Make Your Budget: Step by Step
Write down your monthly take home pay
Draw a line under it
Open your banking app
List all recurring payments over the past 30 days
Beside the payment, write the date of the payment
Beside the payment, write the payment amount
Draw a line under the list
Add up all the recurring payments leaving your account
Deduct the money leaving your account, from the amount that you get paid each month.
The result is how much you need to live on each month.
For example;
Salary £4,500 – Spending £4,450 = £50 unspent. Conversely,
Salary £4,500 – Spending £4,650 = – £150 overspend.
If you arrive at a negative / minus result, you are living beyond your needs and you need to start cutting back on some of the things that leave your account.
Ideally you want to be in a positive situation and to do that you gotta jump off the hamster wheel of spending. It was about 3 months after I left my narcissist that my spreadsheet proved to me that my wheels would fall off if I didn’t do something about my financial situation. I would soon be knee deep in debt. The higher the debt, the harder to climb out of it. So I changed my job. One that I loved and was comfortable doing. Then I had to change my job again. Then again. Eventually, I found my rhythm, and what was for me. If I didn’t have my spreadsheet and refused to look at my finances, I would be in a much worse situation than I am today.
The 50-30-20 Budget Rule
One popular budgeting rule is the 50-30-20 rule, great for rebuilding your financial position after Narcissistic abuse. Here’s how it works:
- 50% of your income should go toward essential expenses including housing, food, water, gas, electricity and transport.
- 30% allocated for discretionary or ‘fun’ spending, such as eat out, entertainment, and personal care.
- Then 20% for savings and debt repayment.
This rule can act as a guiding principle for managing your finances effectively. It will also highlight the areas where you need to reign in your spending. I am not here yet but now that ‘you’ and ‘I’ know that 50-30-20 is a thing, we can both work towards it.
Budget Trackers
Consider using a budget tracker app to stay on top of your finances. There are many options available that can help you keep tabs on your income and expenses. Popular budgeting apps like Koody, Emma and Snoop will provide valuable insights into your financial health.
Tracking your spending is crucial for staying within your budget. Here are some tips:
Get yourself a bank account that provides a digital banking app. The great thing about digital banking is that you can see your payments due and the points at which you spend money. Use a digital banking company like Monzo, Revolt and Starling. You can see your spending in real time on these apps without the fluff of traditional banking. When you make a payment to [insert supermarket], the amount leaves your account that instant. You don’t need to wait 3 days for the pending payment to show up on your bank account.
If you can’t do this, then at least, keep all receipts and record every purchase in a notebook and total it day by day and week by week.
Use budgeting apps to categorize and track your expenses automatically.
Review your spending each day to begin with, then each week, then each month until you arrive at a position where your spending is controlled. Make adjustments as needed and understand that it will take some time and dedication.
Automate Payments to Standing Orders and Direct Debits and check that they have been paid each month.
Simplify your financial life by setting up automated payments for recurring bills like the mortgage or rent, utilities, and loan payments. This ensures that you never miss a payment, avoids late fees, and contributes to better financial organization. Don’t get caught out.
Revisit the Budget Every Month
Your financial situation and priorities will change over time as you grow into the person you are becoming. Make it a habit to revisit and adjust your budget every month. This will allow you to adapt to new circumstances and fine-tune your financial goals.
Clearing Debt
Debt can be a significant burden after leaving a narcissist. Here’s how to tackle it:
Make a list of all your debt. Loans and credit card payments.
Create a debt repayment plan based on what you believe you can achieve realistically. Then stick to it like you want change in your life.
Create an Emergency Fund
Building an emergency fund is essential to handle unexpected expenses. First, save what you can. If its £10 per month then so be it. Better to start somewhere than not start at all. Besides, after a year of saving £10 per month you will have saved £120, which is better than nothing. Then aim to save £1,500 in a savings account for emergencies. Increase the amount you save each month to meet this goal. When you have reached this goal keep adding to it until you have built up three to six months living expenses. Aim to save at least three to six months’ worth of living expenses in a separate account. This financial cushion will provide peace of mind during stormy weather. And the storm will come. Trust me.
Paying Towards a Pension
Don’t neglect your retirement planning. Contributing to a pension plan is important, especially if you didn’t work or contribute to retirement accounts during your narcissistic relationship. A conversation with a good financial advisor will help you to determine the best retirement strategy for you.
Understanding High Interest
High-interest rates can eat into your budget. Begin to make an effort to understand the interest rates on your debts, especially credit cards, and explore options to reduce or eliminate high-interest debt. This might include negotiating with creditors or transferring balances to lower-interest cards. Review your car insurance, buildings insurance, mortgage renewal to see if you can make savings.
To conclude
Leaving a narcissistic abusive relationship is a courageous step towards reclaiming your life and financial independence. Financial instability is often a part of such relationships, leaving victims financially vulnerable. Taking control of your finances through budgeting is a crucial aspect of this journey. Creating a budget spreadsheet helps you understand your income and expenses.
The 50-30-20 budget rule can guide your financial decisions, allocating 50% to essentials, 30% to discretionary spending and 20% to savings and debt repayment. Using budget tracker apps or keeping receipts helps track expenses and revisiting and adjusting your budget monthly is essential as your financial priorities change.
Clearing debt, building an emergency fund, and contributing to a pension are all important steps in securing your financial future. Understanding and addressing high-interest rates is also crucial to financial stability. This journey may be challenging, but it’s a path towards regaining control of your life and achieving financial security.
I said all of this to say… effectively managing your finances is a hard pill to swallow when you first step away from the abuse but it means you can better provide for your children and make progress towards long-term financial stability…….…This blog is a place where I give you realistic and defined tips and tricks that work to build your life up…….it’s a place where I prove to you that you have all that you need, for the life that you desire and it’s a place where I prove to you that……. you are not alone……. you got this and I love you.
Onika Sabrina
Comment below: What’s your biggest expense?
Start your budget now. Check you online account and write down all the recurring bills you have paid in the last week.
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