You may be wondering why you find it hard to leave. There is a perfectly logical reason for this and no, you are not going mad and you are not fickle. Narcists have a way of hoovering you back in. This is a real phenomenon. Hovering is real people. Let me explain.
When you decide you have had enough and you want to break free, the narcist will have real problem with this. They will refuse to accept the situation and will do everything and anything to hoover you back in. They will make you feel bad for ending it. They will emotionally manipulate you and make false and empty promises to you so that they regain control. When you decide that you are done and want to move on with your life the narcist will make you their focus. They will confess their undying love for you, how much they miss you and say its not right to end it because of all the years you have invested in the relationship. You will still want to end it but then the next time they will tell you they have been finding it hard, how you are the only one they need and the only one that makes them happy. But you still decide to end it. Then the next time they tell you they know they made mistakes and that they promise to do better this time around because they have changed. This in itself is extremely tiring and at some point it will begin to penetrate your logical thoughts where you give up the fight to resist and get sucked into the vicious toxic cycle all over again. All of this hoovering does not address the underlying issues that led to the breakup in the first place. The issues are swept under the rug and then pow, you’re back in the relationship, unsure how you got back there, experiencing the exact same things you were so adamant to avoid.
A word of warning. Don’t ever think you are out of the woods with a narcists. Almost 3 years after leaving my narcists he almost had me. He almost had me believing he was trustworthy, true to his word and that he had changed, (for the eleventh million time) Picture this. A real scenario. A series of messages sent via the children.
Day 1
Father tells child ‘tell your mum to unblock me so I can send her a message about the course I passed and then she can block me again’.
Day 2
Father tells child ‘I know you mum won’t care but tell her I have passed my course’
Day 3
Father tells child. ‘Tell your mum to call me so we can sort out contact. I’ve spoken to the authorities (he means social services)
Day 4
Father tells child ‘put your mum on the phone’ Knowing I will refuse, she asks me anyway and I shake my head. Child tells father that mum is in the bath.
Day 5
Father tells eldest child ‘he is taking a step back and he wants nothing to do with her and her sibling’. Father also tells social services that they are not to call him ever again.
To give some back story. I went ‘no contact’ with him about 3 months after I left. It’s a thing you do when you absolutely cannot take anymore of the too-ing and fro-ing with someone who flips flops and changes their mind like the wind, gets aggressive when you say no and uses their children as puppets. Living like this is very tiring. It is emotionally draining and mentally marring. Eventually, you find that you have very little motivation to manage yourself and the children that need you. If you don’t become depressed you become just shy of depression doing the bare minimum on a daily basis.
But at the point of the messages sent through the children, it has been almost 3 years since my departure and I had thoughts that maybe, just maybe, I was out of the woods. Maybe, just maybe, I could hold a conversation with him for the benefit of the children and get to a point where this could all move forward. I mean, he hasn’t been able to trigger me for at least 2 years and this is the fourth time I have tried to arrange contact with social services as the intermediary for him and the children. Each time he says no and tells the children he doesn’t want anything to do with them. Each time, he shows his true colours. And again, he has thrown his toys out of his pram telling social services that he wants nothing to do with his children and that social are not to call him ever again. This is of course, because I refused to talk to him when he told the children to put me on the phone. I have explained to the children that social services are the third party and the go-between for their dad and I. They understand. So much so, that that when I explained it again the other day I was met with a ‘yes mum, I know what social services will do’. They get it.
If you are trying to avoid the soul destroying hoover you will need to set clear boundaries for yourself and stick to then as though your life depends on it. Because it does. This means you will need to go no contact if necessary and be unwavering about it. It means that you need to block and resist communication. If you can’t go ‘no contact’ keep it strictly about the children, if you have children together. When conversation wanes off topic pull it back to the children. Make sure you have a support system around you to help you through the tough times and remind you why you chose to leave the narcissist. Make your wellbeing a priority, you will undoubtedly find it very difficult to go through the hurricane aka motions and by making your well-being a priority it will make the storm bearable. Journalling and writing your emotions down will be the most accessible way to manage your emotions and seeking professional help from a counsellor or therapist will be, by far, the quickest and most valuable way to work through your feelings. Narcissistic relationships are unhealthy relationships with unbalanced power. They hold all the power and you feel powerless.
I said all of this to say…love on yourself more than you ever have if you are leaving or have just left an abusive narcissistic relationship. You will need the love of the people around you to keep you grounded. You will need a notebook and pen to understand your emotions as you plough through, and if you have access to therapy, accept it, it is liberating and can help you deal with the situation in ways you thought impossible. Let me know if you need an outstanding therapist. I have the names of a some really good ones.…This blog is a place where I prove to you that there is life beyond unhealthy relationships and the dreaded hoover…it’s a place where I prove to you that you have all that you need and it’s a place where I prove to you that….you are not alone…you got this and I love you.
